mytornado666

the rain is supposed to help you sleep i hear
i suppose thats because the sound of rain washes away your cares
i feel dirty
i feel fucked
i feel unfortunate
is it a landslide?
have i lost my sense of perspective? (yes)
ugh i suppose i'm brooding
i should be excited for my show tomorrow but i'm just worried about having to interact with people
i hate feeling afraid of my friends
it means im just a step away from a panic attack and i need to calm down

its tuesday and i'm really tired of this week already
it should be better by thursday
or will it?

this is getting ridiculous
tonight i rode my bike to get a soda and it was the first time i rode it through miami lakes
i went to cvs near main street and then i went to the lake by my old house but it felt like my old neighborhood wanted to eat me
the water was warm like air and i have grown too tall for it
my back is sandy and i dont really know
this week is a lot of work for me and i hope it goes well
im too tired to think and too stupid to stop
oh but to have the energy to beat myself up!
to have the mind to consider myself a hopeless animal, tied to karma!
to have the plans to wonder where all my time went!
to have these lips to cry over and a tongue to taste it
and eyes to black out
meanwhile little bits of glitter light up my skin to reflect the stars

i feel like i've been run through a strainer

when you're taking time for yourself its not to be away from everybody else or to meditate on your life
when you take time for yourself, it's time to die a little bit
it's a little space where you don't have to hear yourself say some dumb shit
and if you're using your time for yourself to remember the times you said some dumb shit, you're wasting your time, and that's much worse than dying
if you're using your time to wonder "maybe it's me" well maybe it is but there's no use dwelling on it if you don't just realise it
i've noticed its pretty hard to have a little time for yourself, to really use it well
i find the best way to take time for yourself is to not think about it being time for yourself but to be completely silent and suck hungrily at life, give it a good taste
i find its good to look at the sky, which doesn't have very much trivial to say
clouds aren't really small talk
clouds are your dreams
your karma washing up on the shore
amorphous faces and situations distorting and combining and falling apart to be scrutinized as motions and verses
i find its good to breathe that in and remember that at one point it used to hurt a lot but things were worth more, even the trash
i could use some time for myself, now that i think about it
i'm gonna stir a few clouds into my tea and rest my head on a rainbow in the dark
take a bit of time to not think about the fuckhead dead that suck soul pathetic and give a little smile to the universe like those pretty girls i used to know
those pretty girls had holey walking shoes
i suppose mine have been wearing a little thin recently, just so i can get a bit of dirt on my face
a dirty face can really make an eye shine
it feels like my eyes could just fall to the floor

i got some sleep today but i still don't feel too happy

Neptune is Square your Venus applying with an orb of 09 degrees 18 minutes.
Complex emotions affect your social life. Confusing episodes or lack of clarity in your love-life may be a result of acting on feelings only. Strange attractions and urges could lead to disappointments and disillusionments in relationship matters. Don’t be naive and fall in love with an ideal; try to see the real person. Be clear about what you are doing and give yourself time to think before you make unnecessary sacrifices. Artistic and creative matters may be subject to the same kind of process, unrealistic expectations followed by collapse. Pay close attention to any relationships or art projects that begin under this transit as they may promise more than they can deliver.

its been a bit of time since i used to write regularly in this journal
its not that i dont have the time or that i'm not motivated to because i can and want to
i just dont know what to say really
i'm running hard and i'm wearing thin and i'm trying to stay on top but not doing an especially good job
at least i'm not getting too sick really
at least things aren't that messy
just tangled and the weight of all these tangles on my chest is hard to bear
maybe with some time and rest i can calm down a bit but my anxieties are getting the best of me
wrote a song today to try and put things down
it felt good
i should get to bed though
i hate being on a schedule, but its worse to be behind a schedule

body intrusions
last week i came home after the frustrations show (monday morning, before i got my bike!) and felt itchy on my head and scratched at it and something fell off that hit the ground with a small clunk
i never found out what it was haha
it creeped me out more than a little bit, and i kept feeling like something was on my head all day
last night i went to bed and it felt like there was something sharp on my foot that only hurt in one certain situation (when i rubbed it on the sheets)
i rubbed and scratched at it and figured it was my nerves or some weird body thing
but this morning i was curious and looked at my foot
glass!
tiny little piece of glass stuck to my foot that was poking at it, but it doesn't look as if i was bleeding
of course, now the glass is lost on my floor somewhere after it fell away from my foot
whats up with body intrusions?
makes you wonder about the parasites in your body and the bacteria (friendly, unfriendly)
there's a bumper sticker that says "my body isn't a temple, its an amusement park!"
i saw it at a cafeteria once, near tamiami library
i forget the name, but they made a great cafe con leche and a fucking fantastic croqueta
its amazing that im so neurotic from people laughing at my terrible accent that its hard to even type "cafe con leche"
right now i'm on a hall and oates binge
if i had my ipod, i could listen to it on the ride up to orlando
and yet, i dont!
son of a bitch why cant i listen to some hall and oates

so i had a weird night
running around
energy
i've been riding my bike a lot recently around my neighborhood, and i feel like i'm getting the hang of it
today i rode about an hour and it was great
the roads were wet and it was too dark to ride on the main roads, but it was great
i wasnt even that tired after my ride which was great, and it seems that even though i slept maybe from 6 or 7 to 3, i've had enough energy to carry me through to now
i cancelled tomorrow's beach party and i feel awful
i really wanted to go through with it, even if people didn't come
just to prove that i can organise things and lead and not flake out
to myself, at least
i felt bad that i didn't follow through on the summer nerf battle at greynold's
but i got a ride to go to the electric bunnies show tomorrow in orlando
and that's going to be awesome
hardly anybody responded to my bulletins on myspace promoting it and asking if anybody had input
so this is me proving to myself that i am actually not flakey
this is me saying, hey maybe i can just say "fuck it" and shrug off my own plans
i have free will
if somebody really wanted to go to the beach, let them go
i'm not bailing on something huge and if they get upset, fuck it. they can talk to me about it. we can work something out.
anyway i'm excited about this show tomorrow
i'm gonna have some money and i'm going to buy a lot of cheap beer to share with my friends and i'm gonna see a fucking CITY THAT ISN'T MIAMI FOR ONCE THIS SUMMER before i go back to school

maybe that sounds whiny or idealistic but i dont really care
in a world that's as big and full of opportunity as this one, why should i care if i sound whiny or idealistic?
i've grown so neurotic about trying to say things right so people understand immediately because i closed everything in nice and clean
but, this is a god damned journal

i'd love to have a fresh of breath air and see a few hills
meet a different people
not worry about the ground i stand on
i like travel
i even like coming back (well...) and being able to smell things again
i can hardly smell anything anymore

i think i worry too much about what people think
i guess because i'm scared that nobody understands me
that's shallow isn't it?

i woke up around noon today and i can't find skinny legs and all
i was looking for it and decided to organize my bookshelf and figured that my sketchbooks have no place on my bookshelf
so i pulled them out and dropped them on my bed and out of curiosity started looking through them
biting my lip, i looked through quite a few, as i've been keeping my sketchbooks since i was maybe 9 years old
it was harsh
i guess especially since i've only slept about 5 hours
anyhow i put them down, as it was getting a bit too much for me
its strange to see yourself stretched across these pages
so many themes through so many years, changing

well i finished the girl in the glass today
it was pretty ok, i liked it at the beginning and through the middle, but the end got a bit too sloppy and convoluted in its mystery pace and romantic junk and thin characters and archetypes
sure it was miles ahead of kill two birds and get stoned which i had to drop, but it left me a little disappointed
tomorrow i'll probably start on another book before school starts up, either good omens or skinny legs and all

today i practiced with rebecca for the new band since dorys and tony couldnt make it out
practice went well, and was quite beautiful with the both of us standing outside the drawing studio under a clear summer night sky playing out of her fantastic concert fender amp
a little bit awkward but we gelled fairly well on two guitars for people who have never really tried in the past
it was funny regarding our consideration of styles and such that our first practice sounded so god damned alternative and melancholy in spite of the talk regarding girl groups
i can't help but put so many chords in my songs, its hard not to, nowadays
maybe we'll be able to clear things up in practices to come
it was great to see her anyhow, as i havent actually spoken to her --in person or over the phone-- since she went to rehab

i've been getting used to my bike, restricting myself to my community so far (which is somewhat large, but very easy to speed through, making it seem a bit smaller than its already been seeming)
i was gonna bike over to dorys' house to ride to fiu today but she had her business to attend to
its too bad, because i was excited to have somewhere to go!
it could be fun riding through miami lakes past all of my old schools
its amazing how much my elementary school has changed, they've built so much around it to accomadate more students
we used to have a tremendous field to run laps through during p.e. but they built over it a tremendous multi-storied edifice and some other nonsense

my school was so beautiful!
probably the most beautiful school i've attended though horace mann had a definite old dirty charm to it
miami lakes middle was ugly as shit and hml wasnt much better
goleman was kind of dull, boring and depressing like a wal mart, but the library was quite lovely, with its large windows keeping it well lit
thank god i only went to american for s.a.t.
i wonder if there are any statistics for american high suicides? i imagine there's got to be more than a few, going to a dirty barb-wired school with dimebags in the grass and NO WINDOWS
haha but i guess google doesn't know about that.

but i guess its 7 in the morning and my body is starting to reject that i'm sitting at the computer and my mind isn't really concerning itself with much thorough contemplation, prefering to run things slow and easy
i'd like some water but alas i can not leave my room, my parents are already awake.
what a strange situation life is, all the experiences you try to reject end up making you who you are
its easy to go about denying matters and stay self absorbed but it doesnt really get you anywhere does it?
oh but of course there's a use for being self-absorbed, who am i to deny such a statement?
it is surely black magic that ties us to these places
certainly these ghosts want to tell us to live our lives as if we weren't so spectacularly stupid
but there seems to be a huge wrench jammed in the system
who put it there? why do we act so stupid even though we know better, or at least like to pretend to?
i guess a better question might be, why does the world spin so fast?

why does it feel like my summer is just starting?
i have one week left until i'm back in school, and i regret all the time i've wasted
what the hell did i do this summer anyway?
i finally have a working bike
not far from moving into an apartment near fiu *fingers crossed*
i'm planning on starting another band (finally)
i feel kind of active
saw some documentaries today and i'm well into a novel i started last week

and yet, i feel strangely anxious
like snowballing nerves tying themselves up
a throbbing ball of electric rubber bands in my gut
i know i should ignore them because they are kind of stupid but then i'm just sort of groundless
maybe i should try harder to sleep well.
hopefully tomorrow my neighborhood won't be that flooded and i'll be able to ride my bike
hopefully tomorrow i won't be so nervous i can't call a man on business concerning the apartment i want to rent

anyhow i guess i'm going to try to go to bed now
serve myself a glass of milk, read a book
and fall asleep with the intention of waking up and getting things done
here we go i suppose

i'm picking up a bike like this one in an hours time
exciting.

last night was lots of dumb fun
didnt sleep terribly well
i'm really tired but here i am having to do shit
ugh, responsibility.
i guess i should hold my chin up, it should only take about a half hour for the whole thing to go down since we already looked at the bike

had a big breakfast
my finger tips are sore, first it was my ring finger, but now its my thumb, too.
i wonder what it is?

its a white storm day

its not often i feel clean
normally i feel a dirty sweat
i feel a weight on my shoulders
i feel blind from anxiety
i feel tired and wirey
strung out and helplessly paranoid
normally i feel out of my own life and compelled to live it anyway
right now i feel a little bit clean
i feel like i can talk and breathe and look at people with eyes that aren't hungry and wild
where is the party?
what is the hold up?
what's a boy to do?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_sheep
cant sleep black sheep
repetition of patterns
alienation
shining suns acceptance
inversion
unnatural juxtaposed with spiritual
children
fate
questions with no answers but obvious blank emptiness means no questions
anxiety overcome by celebration
deafening landscapes
film ending rolling off of reel resulting in white light setting fire to the screen setting fire to audience
generations
marching
questions left unanswered means no answer is answer means no questions
books cut short
books with pages ripped out
stories without important characters
nameless extras zoomed in for 3 hours
no conflict/conflict avoided/situation unresolved
cockroaches through piled ephemeral detritus
unquestioned answers and traumatic experiences
neurosis
awkward
stutter
stutter
the tip of the iceberg
gentle knives
violin garrotte laid gently across wrists
chain necklaces
the hands of a strange lover
unspoken questions secret answers
artificial manufactured plastic lock piston puzzle
god's blessing
naïve typewriter printed forehead
weird rebel kid wears crown of clouds
blank promise
potential unachieved
inertia
brown out time skip
choking game crucifix
rivers underneath stars
sandy purple dunes
quiet salesmen
convoluted inconsequential weight
the absence of tears
nerves firing aimlessly like broken sparkling electric wires wripped from an electronic robotic tiger's open wrist plate
homeless man in the ocean
lazy resolute nothing
cornbread angel
water table
dog whistle

is this a clear head? to feel ashamed of the longing of months past and the ways it came up in normal human interactions?
the things i've said and done to you and with you and for you and about you
the way things went feels awful, i dont feel like a very good friend in a backwards way
is this a clear head? have the stars turned and blown the fog away?
is this shame and regret a normal part of growing up? i like to think so. i like to think i can grow, you know?
is this what they mean by a total eclipse of the heart?

ok i guess i have no clue what this song is about and the video doesnt help
not long ago i thought i woke up in my twilight dust room/box to itunes playing "let it die" by feist
and when that sound effect hits after she says "forget that kiss" or something, i started crying
but i started sort of playing it back and over with my mind? as one would access a memory
then i woke up for real and found out itunes wasnt playing anything
sometimes when i think about how uptight and avoidant i've gotten as a result of my immaturity it hurts in a crazy way
i feel it in waves
i feel the weight of time and space crash on me
i feel it in my body and in my mind
its overwhelming
if i stay in this room any longer with my imagination confined to a tiny red box i dont know what will happen
i need to take a walk and see the sky maybe it can tell me something soothing
maybe it can heal these broken arrows from my body
god knows i would just leave them there until i got used to them

i had a dream i was giving myself a lip piercing with a safety pin, as i might give myself a new haircut (not thinking too much)
and when i wake i have a sore lip
i might have been biting it in my sleep
i was going to wake up at 3:30 today in my effort to not sleep the day away but i kept going back to bed for "a little bit" but those little bits snowballed into full dreams

insomnia is becoming ridiculous
right now i'm just listening to albums and seeing where i can go by from where using public transit on google maps
its strangely fascinating to think of where i can go from where and how long it'll take and where i'll have to transfer
i can take 3 buses to ryan's house and be there in two hours
thats kind of stupid but i can do it
google is pretty awesome
another thing that i've realized when facing the absence of rest is that i could be sleeping instead of this
oh but now i'm looking at craigslist hah

so im at la cueva tonite
the weekends been a little strange but worth it and not terribly expensive though i spent 6.50 on a shitty bangers and mash at churchills
its funny, you see everyone around you with dishes that look fantastic, so you get worked up enough to break your stupid wallet out to fulfill your lust for sausage
only to be terribly dissatisfied
my dish didnt look like theirs! this isnt fair!
i got drunk and stupid in a good way
on friday i didnt sleep (couldnt! eyes closed in bed and everything but i just lay there)
saturday party was a failure
had to get the fuck out because it was lame city in that bitch
and i managed to with help from wryly thank god
brought julie along for the ride
ended up eating historic lentils (basquiat! warhol!)
shot water at a car door and saw a video piece about miami at night
came BACK to the party and got fucked up and talked on the front porch because robert was being hard to deal with
the party was a good bit better on our return, though we managed to come back to another motherfucking fight between ryan and rebeca
saw a blue pyramid in the sunrise purple
sun came up and ended up passing out on the couch while waiting for nick to take me and julie to la cueva
he ended up passing out while sitting in the backyard after tripping on some belladonna
i saw way too much scrubs for my liking, especially since i was trying to sleep on that couch
went to jimbos only to be eaten alive by fleas so we left immediately though the trip cost us a dollar i found
i cleaned all the drugs off it but they tasted awful
the trip there was nice though, all the pretty key biscayne wilderness and there was a giant bra for the sky right near jimbos! not lacey, but rather one of the sleek futristic ones victorias secret makes
came back saw cartoons 90s music videos and made curry then saw some japanese people do a bunch of cool stuff like matrix ping pong
i woke up about 12 hours ago and the sun is coming back around
will i sleep?
will i get my wheel ever?
will i enjoy san loco tacos under stupid sauce with jasmine before she has to catch a train back to kentucky?
why does all this weird shit happen, am i calling for it?